After the Module 1 zoom call this week I thought about the number of blogs I could write A) Pretend I have it all together and that I understand everything that was said B) Write about what we discussed in the meeting as a summary or C) Admit I still don't know what my practice and areas of learning are AT ALL. I went with C.
When the zoom call was taking place I felt panicked, out of my depth and was overthinking all the work I had done prior to the meeting. I let myself feel I was wrong. I had an overwhelming sense of self doubt. I came away questioning what is my practice and how do I learn? Something I thought I had sussed out. I didn't realise that the call actually helped me in so many ways. I was able to reflect on what made me feel this way throughout the call linking it back to prior experiences. In college having to deal with being surrounded by favouritism, being knocked back at auditions, not being picked out in class, the pressure of looking a certain way. And how it lead to me becoming very internal and detached from dance not being able to put out ideas anymore, not being able to choreograph or ask for help. And how I take that into my job in customer service and social media - never wanting to fail my employee by coming to work looking scruffy, not being able to be as creative as I would like, not satisfying a customer and getting a complaint. It is all fear of REJECTION and being WRONG. What I didn't realise was that by being rejected in one way or another I have something to push against. I am able to learn through rejection.
I think this can also link to a prior blog I have wrote about feeling the pressure to post things others deem as perfect on Web 2.0 platforms and not feeling validated or fulfilled when it doesn't get a reaction. Is this the fear of feeling rejected within our society as well my jobs and personal life?
I went on to ask myself what I have learnt from these situations and how they can be applied to my practice now. Which made me realise that at the moment an area of my practice is practicing positive mental health. My practice is a tool for my future development.
Some things I took from the meeting was:
- I was so wrong at what I thought my practice was - DANCE is my DISCIPLINE
- My practice can be ANYTHING I see it as
- I need to look more into finding specific memories and using reflection to look critically. Do I feel something from this experience? Where did it come from? Why?
- UNPACK everything from my professional life and my personal life. What are my transferable skills?
- Stop comparing myself to how far ahead I think others are of me. We are all on the same journey but we all take different roads to get there.
I learnt a lot by listening to others and what their opinion was. I think a tip to take into my next discussion is to put forward my idea regardless of how I am feeling internally.
Would love to hear more about what others have found from their practice and areas of learning,
Love Abi x
Hi Abi, I'm so glad that you went with option C because I'm sat here feeling exactly the same! Your post has allowed me to clear up how I see my practice which was something I was also feeling totally overwhelmed by. I can also relate to what you have said about your experience at college not being picked etc to lead us to feel that the thoughts we have are always wrong or not good enough and this is something I am trying to push against, as I mentioned in the call at college I always struggles with the thought of choreography (I used to dread the thought of the lesson) because I was always so conscious that whatever I came up with wouldn't be as creative as the others however since taking us teaching throughout this last year and having to choreography for the lessons I can reflect that those feeling I was having were stopping my creativity and ultimately it wasn't that I couldn't be creative it was that more than 50% of my focus was on peoples thoughts and not the movement leading it to be not the best work I could do! I'm also still struggling with the Areas of Learning and still feel totally lost but its good to know we aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteI look forward to connecting with you on some of our ideas
H x
Hey Hannah, I agree - sometimes the self consciousness is a real block. I call it the 'white noise' in my head and I have to actively decide to push it out sometimes. Bit of a 'what the hell' moment but it gives such freedom when you do.
DeleteHi Sally, such a great way of explaining it! dancing choreo that i have thought far too much about, like if people will like it or how it looks etc often ends up feeling awkward and disjointed yet when I let go of the 'white noise' and say 'what the hell' what ends up coming out is some of the best stuff!
DeleteHi Hannah,
DeleteThank you for your comment it feels so good to know that I am not alone! I think we have fell in love with an industry that can really make you aware of your flaws and this is something we unfortunately concentrate on.
Definitely still trying to work out my areas of learning as we'll so you're not alone on that one!
Speak soon, Abi x
Hi Abi, I'm so sorry you had such difficult feelings to get through but it's great that you're using it as a lanchpad to analyse why. This module is wide open, so it'll take some wading through I think. I love hearing people's thoughts on the call, there's no judgement, we're all just working through it. Please don't hesitate to contribute because it's all really useful. Imagine it's part of a dance that is difficult or makes you vulnerable, but how exhilarating it is when you nail it!
ReplyDeleteI really like how you have analysed that! Thank you so much Sally! I felt your comments on the call were so informative and helpful. It was really great speaking with everyone and know to be BRAVE for next time! Abi x
DeleteHi Abi,
ReplyDeletePersonally, I really benefit from reading all your blogs as they spark so much thought and clarify certain areas of study which are a grey area to me. As performers I feel that self doubt is something we have hovering over our shoulder, self doubt that we aren't doing enough? Self doubt that others are ahead and making sense of this course more than we are? But self doubt is completely normal and as long as we trust that what we are doing is enough, keep supporting one another and adding discussion to the threads we are on the right track.
I agree with your point that you'd like to try and voice your thoughts regardless of how you feel internally. I feel that I struggle to get my words out sometimes, I can articulate my thoughts better once digesting them and taking a moment, whereas in the Zoom discussions it's all in the spur of the moment. To me it sounds like a lot of 'like um like' but I need to remember that this could spark a thought for someone else which could then add depth to my initial thought. Voicing our thoughts regardless is beneficial as we are jumping out of our comfort zones, challenging the internal thoughts that are acting as a barrier and ultimately this could benefit our approach to interviews/ auditions in the future.
Ellie x
Hi Ellie,
DeleteThank you so much for your lovely comment. I think this course is all about being vulnerable and letting everything out regardless if it is right or wrong. You have come up with a good idea that on the zoom call going with our internal thoughts and expanding on it could most definitely help with interviews and auditions.
As always lovely speaking with you - look forward to reading your blogs.
Abi x
Hi Abi, I felt the exact same way and was very panicked about coming up with something intelligent to stay when actually I was still getting my head around dance actually being a discipline but not my practice, It was a great call and I think we all learnt a lot. Self doubt is something I've been struggling with over the pandemic especially but with starting this course and learning from others I've realised it's ok to be confused and not know because it's all part of the learning process x
ReplyDeleteHi Niamh,
DeleteIt is good to know that a few of us felt this way! It definitely is part of the learning process and it is good to recognise that these feelings are okay to have. You just have to question why you're having them and what it means. I hope you are finding everything okay now an it is a bit clearer. Speak soon - Abi x
What a lovely blog Abi! I felt like I needed to be reminded of all these things you have cleverly pointed out! I can relate to how you feel when you discussed the fear of rejection. Despite training 4 years ago, I still have to remind myself that I am good enough (I wish I told myself more back then). I now consider this a part of my current practice, and it's such an amazing 'transferable skill'- many non-performers will never truly understand! Thank you for sharing! I hope everything is going well xx
ReplyDeleteThan you for your comment Alice! I think we can both look back on college days and wish we had believed in ourselves more. It is most definitely a transferable skill that is around in all aspects of my life! I hope module two is going well for you, speak soon. Abi xx
DeleteAbsolutely! Speak soon x
Delete